You know, maybe I’ll regret posting this, but I really feel like speaking up about a very tough topic… Shame.
How many stopped reading there? 😉 ❤️ it’s okay, I don’t blame you, but it’s something we can’t run and hide from, or pretend doesn’t exist. I don’t want anyone to feel alone in their journey. I know that can be a scary place sometimes.
As someone who works every day to overcome binge eating disorder, to love myself enough to choose life and healthy eating and exercise, and not give in to self destructive, harming choices that leave me sick; as someone who walked away from the dark alleys of hard drug addiction with crystal meth, and others over a decade ago; as someone who has walked away from situations -plural- of domestic violence and sexual abuse; as someone who has watched far too many close to her die and lost even more that were so very special; as someone who has come through cancer caused by an std I didn’t know about, and healing other health situations…. to be living a childhood dream life of an international best selling author, published 8x, helping others not feel alone and helping them find hope to keep going, leaping so far out of my comfort zone and going to freakin Manhattan next month to meet one of my mentors, to have had the opportunity to meet so many that have inspired me, and coached so many to live their dreams and find fulfillment….
I still struggle with shame, and not feeling worthy, when I let those thoughts gain more momentum than they deserve. When I forget all that has brought me here to this moment. Never have I felt a victim or wanting pity. That’s not what this is about.
This is about awareness, inclusivity, love, compassion and realizing everyone has a story and everyone is important, and let’s all just be a little more gentle with judgements these days.
Cause. We. All. Have. Something. We. Have. Gone. Through.
I was at the dentist yesterday, and while most of the people there are great, I had one person helping me that decided it was appropriate to discuss how “obvious it was I didn’t care for my teeth” up to her standard and scold me for this. I don’t know her story or the kind of day she was having, I just know how it made me feel. And I wasn’t feeling strong enough to not take it personally, or be able to distance myself from what was triggered in me. I explained due to depression and anxiety, I was doing my best. It continued and I held back tears.
The hygienist who did my cleaning after, GOT IT. She reassured me that during tough times, our best is good enough and she was grateful I was caring for myself enough to come in and get the cleaning, and try to take care of things.
I made some poor food and stress tolerance choices yesterday due to poor coping with events at the dentist and otherwise, and I’m feeling very sick mentally and physically today. And I feel shame that it’s my fault, when I know I need to be more gentle and forgiving of myself, I am doing my best. I am nervous at the idea of going to the doctor, because I don’t need more external shame, and, the hospital is a rather significant PTSD trigger for me.
So I am doing my best self care today, and rebuilding all I can. Every day isn’t perfect, but everyday has potential for hope. I choose not to do more damage as I rebuild the scope of my complete health. It has been a journey, and if I try to fix everything at once I feel overwhelmed and sit and cry. So I take things one step at a time. One healthy meal, one set of pills, one walk with koda. I do what I can.
Some days, your best is achieving your entire to do list, some days it’s getting out of bed. I’m proud of anyone, myself included, who keeps trying one more day, one more moment, one more breath. Keep going.
And make sure you take time to look back and reflect on all the amazing things you’ve conquered. Make sure you honour the amazing human you are and that you’ve chosen to keep walking, and creating, and loving and being you.
And please, please, if you think of judging anyone, remember, you don’t know their journey, please just give each other love. We all just need a bit more love, cause life can get tough sometimes, and we all need that helping hand that cares. With love from me to you, for your journey ❤️